I have a lot to say

I’m coming to a consensus that I am unworthy of the life I live. I get a lot but I don’t give much. I don’t feel like I have deserved the life I have. I come home from school go to the gym sit on the couch do the bare minimum amount of work I have to do. Maybe this is just what it’s like living at home in your 20’s. But I feel like I have no skills to bring to the table. I love being around people and I like my time alone but it’s also when I think the most. Maybe that’s a good thing but it mostly feels like sad thoughts. I don’t want to pity myself or come off as more of a brat, it’s just how I feel. My mom makes me dinner every night. I don’t deserve this. I want to feel like the things I get in life I deserve. I haven’t ever worked for anything in my life. Well yes I have, but nothing tremendous. Idk what I’m supposed to do. I want to change and do good for the people around me but I also just have no motive or motivation to do it. Why. The good things in life feel so much better when you have worked and deserved it. It feels like everyone around me is depressed. And no wonder, it’s because we’re living in a first world country and good things don’t even phase us because there’s not much bad. Of course there’s bad, everyone goes through shit but on a day to day basis we all have roofs over our heads and a bed to sleep in at night. We shift our focus on dwell on the substandard parts of life. One bad day doesn’t equal a bad life. I think the secret to living a good life is working hard and doing good for others so when the extra good things come in life it feels like we’ve earned it. Guess it’s time to start grinding. Where am I going to find this motivation though?

I’m at dansko right now working and I am just so bored man. Like theres nothing for me to do but atleast I’m getting paid. Last night at work a basketball team came in with tall beautiful men. I left my number for one of them even though MANY of them were hot. He invited me out and texted me and out of curiosity I asked him how old he is. I was predicting late 20s maybe 30s. Nope nope nope, take another guess. Okay well I guess he is in his 30s technically. Just very late, as late and far as 30s get. This man is 39 years old! GOD DAMN! I’m shaking in my boots. I probably should not hook up with a 39 yr old right? Would that be bad. He seems nice, but Idk if i’d regret this down the road. I’ll give an update later. Peace for now.

Wishes and Worries. These are two words that I’m working on to take out of my vocabulary. I want to delete them. Instead of saying “I wish I knew how to skateboard” fucking try it out instead. If I really wanted to I could. I wish for too many things that are attainable and stay sitting on my fucking ass rather than learning. As for the tasks that are momentarillary unreachable, like “I wish I had a mansion with a pool,” stop wasting time dwelling on wishes. I am surrounded by so much that I take for granted that other people wish for. Wishing isn’t going to get me anywhere. If there is something I really want I need to learn to work for it, and in the meanwhile, take in all the beautiful things that go underappreciated. #grattitude

Now as far as worrying goes, this one is going to be a bit more challenging in the erasing department. 90% of the things you worry about never actually happen. (Something like that Idk the exact stats.) So why waste my breath and focus all my energy on something that most likely won’t happen. I mean it is always good to be prepared and do the most you can to avoid things you worry about happening. But when it’s out of your control you’re powerless SO JUST CHILL OUT. Especially when it comes to stressing about friends because small minor conflicts don’t even matter in weeks or months from when it happened.

Moral of the story is I need to learn to switch my mindset and enjoy the things happening in the moment and stop making up scenarios that may or may not happen. It’s just a waste of time.

Never settle? That’s something I hear alllll the time. I just turned 22 years old and I’ve never been in a committed relationship. I like to think that because of the time were in right now it’s a lot harder for people to find someone they connect with. I don’t want to put all men into one pool, but in victoria the men have so many options. The pretty girls to standard men ratio is dreadful. Many of my friends have been in relationships and have had multiple boyfriends so maybe I’m the problem?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset I haven’t had a boyfriend. It’s more the WHY question. Why in all my 22 years have I never been able to connect so deep with someone I want to date them. Being young and single is awesome though, I have had quite crazy experiences that single ladies would not be able to do. I won’t get into that now because I want to stay on topic here. I’m not even sure if I want a boyfriend at the moment. Which is totally fine. This is where the problem lays though. My brain is overpowered by thoughts of men. Men I know nothing about or am not even interested in. For someone who doesn’t even know if they want a relationship, I spend too much time on dating apps talking to men that I would never even bother to hang out with. Am I just seeking attention? Is this boredom? This is a strange way to handle boredom.

I think I need to isolate myself from all male creatures. Maybe subconsciously in the back of my head I think there’s a slight chance of meeting someone on hinge? I’m not sure but the last time I actually hang out with someone it didn’t play out so well. I met this boy who I was attracted to and I did get along with. It was just casual hangouts and hookups which is what I was looking for at the time. I even told myself I wouldn’t want to date this boy because he’s already showed me the effort he’s willing to put in for me. However, even telling myself that I admit I did start to get a bit attached and started feeling anxious about the whole thing. I still don’t even know if I had actual feelings for him, or if it was just nice to be with a boy. I wonder if it would even matter who the boy is or if I would get attached to just anyone! Sooo I ended up ending things because in the long run this was only gonna affect me negatively and make me sad.

So now what? I like male attention I think. Who doesn’t? I think I just unlocked a code. This is exactly why I need to isolate myself from these creatures. I fear that I enjoy attention so much I just open myself up to anyone who is semi attractive. This is where the circle repeats itself. I need to start acting like this is an interview. Choose men wisely. I mean I’m only 22 so I won’t beat myself up if there’s an odd hookup in there, because now I know how to properly look for men. I’m not gonna open my heart up to any dummies. If I just sleep with them THEN I’M USING THEM TOO!

First step of action plan:

1.Delete hinge

2.Ignore all the men texting me because THEY DON’T EVEN LIVE HERE

3. Figure out what I’m looking for

I’m obviously not ready for a relationship right now as I want to focus on other things in life like school and travelling, family and friends. This is a time to figure out what type of person would benefit and add to my life.

Hello future Jenna. I decided to make my own blog page and use it as an electronic diary. I’m not sure what I will be posting about yet, most likely a mix of good and bad things happening in my life. I created this idea because there are so many thoughts that float around my brain that it becomes so overwhelming I just need to put them somewhere.

I tried the whole diary thing but my hand just gets so tired ya know. That is what this generation has come to. I also like to believe I will be more motivated to write down my thoughts and ideas here if it looks aesthetically pleasing. Wow I think that’s the first time I spelt aesthetic correctly!